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November 20, 2014

Anxiety & Depression

robot hugs

I have been dealing with anxiety and bouts of depression for a while now. It's not something that's easy to put on blast but there's something to be said, which is why I'm writing this.

What inspired this post? A recent tiff (like 5 minutes ago recent) I had with two people.

Recently, I decided to make an appointment with the counseling services at my school because I've been self-assessing my situation the entire time and honestly I just want to function properly. Getting outside perspective from someone who you're guaranteed won't judge you, like say a friend or family member might, is actually very appealing to me. 

I'm tired of talking to people (friends and family) about my issues and getting passive aggressive, apathetic, and insensitive responses. On top of that, I then have to deal with my harboring resentment and getting upset over things that were meant with the "best of intentions." 

I digress.

Basically, I told two people that I was going to get some counseling and it went a little like this:

X: for what?
Me: you know for what.
X: *laughs* why are you making it like you're crazy?
Me: this is why I don't tell you anything.

I guess Y realized X was being insensitive and called X out on it. So what X does is start poking at Y and then Y responds with the same insensitivity. At this point, I tell Y to stop because being insensitive to X is not helping the situation but making it worse and somehow Y ended up being upset with me and telling me that I was crazy, that's why I had problems, and that's why I needed to go to therapy.

I didn't feel like arguing (though the Arian in me was ready to throw down) but all I said to Y was "don't talk to me."

I don't take my anxiety and depression lightly. In fact, that's why I finally decided to go get help. That was a big step for me and I was very happy with that decision but it hurts when people use that against you. There's nothing wrong with me taking charge of my life and trying to better my situation so that I can live a happier and more fulfilling life.

It's not the first time someone has called me crazy or made fun of my anxiety/depression and then poked fun at it and refer to me as weak, sensitive, or claim to not understand my logic.

When these types of things happen, I tend to distance myself and talk less and less to people, to the point where they almost become a stranger. 

What I want you to take away from this is don't be insensitive to people who are genuinely telling you that they have a problem. Don't make fun of them. When you're mad at them don't use their weaknesses against them because all you're going to do is push someone away and make them feel alienated and possibly more alone.

So stop it! 

,
Elba

September 28, 2014

Breaking Up With My iPhone 4s



I got my iPhone 4s about 3 years ago (I believe) and it was a troublesome relationship from the beginning (emotional and technical). I thought it was going to be great! This iPhone had been released two months before and I was pumped for that upgrade!

That night, I went to the Apple Store with my then love interest (because dude was never my boyfriend) to see his friend who worked at the store and I bought my phone from her. My then love interest bought my case and said "don't ever say I never got you anything" and we left. 

That night we went out to a bar and the girl showed up and I asked him if he could give his friend a ride home (which he was probably planning on doing anyway). Long story short, he felt up the girl in the front seat (though it was argued that holding hands, circling thumbs, and caressing thighs was not feeling up) with me in the back and I was totally oblivious at first because I was too busy playing with my new phone. He said later on that it shouldn't have bothered me because we weren't together and that he shouldn't have to consider my feelings. Fair enough. 

The phone had been cursed since then. 

I had changed my case various times but all the other cases broke so I had to keep it in the case Jerk (this is the name I am assigning to my then love interest) had gotten for me. This phone was tainted with this guy's memory. He was in and out of my life at the time; although it reminded me of him it wasn't always negative or bothersome.

If memory serves me well, about six months later the 5 came out and I decided not to get it because I had just gotten this phone and I was stuck with my contract. Then the 5s came out and my contract was almost over but I had to wait just a little more. I decided to "wait til the 6 came out."

I did not realize how long I would be waiting. I was patient with this 4s but it started acting up. It was 29 degrees outside and it would die at 30 percent but I let it go because you know this phone had been there for me and worked fine. 

I dropped it a couple of times and never broke it but my coworker dropped it and the screen shattered. I had the screen replaced but this phone was just not working. It wouldn't send messages at the right speed so my conversations were off and even started some arguments. Towards the end, it was unbearable. It wouldn't connect to my computer at all so I couldn't add all my pictures or backup my phone (because 5 gigs for backup space on iCloud was and still is not enough). No pictures of my nieces because there was no space and I had too many apps (even when I deleted them). The battery was shot, one full charge lasted about an hour and I couldn't message anyone and I had to be strategic about battery life for interview phone calls. This phone even sold me out to Jerk which ultimately ended the "relationship." We can argue about who was worse and whatever but you know what? I'll take the hit for that one, everyone, I was the bad guy. 

The 4s was full of emotional baggage and just didn't work anymore but I had waited so long that I wasn't going to just give up and get a 5s when I knew the 6 was right around the corner...the very long corner. I waited. 

Rumors were buzzing about this new phone and the 4s was at its limit and I couldn't give up hope and then a glimpse of hope was upon us in the late summer. Still no word about a new phone and I just stopped trying to charge my phone at all and then that big Apple conference happened. They finally announced the arrival of the iPhone 6!

The 6 would be available for preorder on September 12th and available for purchase on September 19th. On September 12th I was preordered but the universe wanted me to believe I would be stuck with the 4s for a while longer. My credit card's security system is top of the line so when they saw that charge they were like NOPE and I had to cancel my order. I preordered again and the date was set to deliver October 13th-21st and I thought "well you waited this long." I almost gave up and went Android.

I just couldn't take it anymore. I did everything in my power to try to get this phone to work properly and it just didn't so why wait any longer and prolong this relationship? I cancelled the preorder and saw if I could pick up, apparently this option wasn't available but the next day on a whim, I decided to check again and there it was: available for pickup at the Fifth Avenue location. I went after work at 12:00am and finally got the new phone that I deserved. 

A couple of things that I thought about after I had the unopened box in my purse at 1:00am, were that I bought this phone alone, at a completely different store, one that I had positive experiences with and that I was walking down a route that I walked a lot when I was younger. While walking this route I would call Jerk and ask him why we weren't together and it at that moment I realized that it was a big circle for me. "Here you are," I thought, "here's the end, go on to a new route." It was very exhilarating to say the least. 

Thanks for teaching me to be patient and understanding 4s. Thank you for teaching me to make the best out of a bad situation and most of all thank you for teaching me to let go.

Breaking up is never easy, be it with phones or humans.

,
Elba

September 22, 2014

I'm a Feminist?


Throughout my life there has been a lot of soul searching. Am I a theatre major? Am I a makeup artist? Am I American? Am I Nicaraguan? There were lots of things I had to go over in order to define who I am to myself. One thing that never occurred to me, sadly, was whether I was a Feminist.

Growing up, I realized that I thought differently than my sisters and my mother. I remember walking behind my eldest sister to make it difficult for men to look at her assets and then to remark on them. I just realized, as I write this, that I have always had a problem with cat calling. I have never liked it. I didn't like people commenting on my sisters' appearance and them just walking away and thanking them for their kind words.

I always thought there was something inherently wrong with this and eventually when I became the target I would tell men to shut the fuck up and that I didn't need God to bless me any more than I already was. My mother thought this was wrong because we should never turn down blessings but what she didn't understand was that they were blessings based on my appearance and not my brain.

I was always told that I needed to find a good man.

"Find a good man that'll take care of you Elba."
"I'm going to pray to God so that he sends you a good boyfriend."
"You'll be happier when you get a boyfriend."

I had a shitty father figure growing up. My father was a womanizer and left us. It's just been my sisters and my mother for a very long time and that in itself shows the resilience we have as women. We can prosper without the paternal figure?

*GASP*

However, I was still subconsciously taught that I needed a man to take care of me because I'm a weak, little woman. Needless to say, that probably landed me in substandard relationships where if I said no to something and was still coerced to do it, it was not considered wrong because I loved the person. Well that's bullshit.

Don't get me wrong though. I don't hate men. I love men. There are great men in the world. What I don't like is being treated like property. I don't like lewd comments about my appearance from strangers (positive or negative). I don't like being told I should smile because who wants to smile after a 16 hour day? I also believe that I should get a whole dollar to a man's dollar in pay. 70 cents to a man's dollar really adds up and as a woman who does not want to depend on a man for financial stability, well I could really use those extra 30 cents.

It hasn't been until recently that I've realized that I was a Feminist. There's a lot of stigma surrounding the word "Feminism" so I can see why there was an aversion but why? Why is it so appalling to want equality? Why is it so terrible to want to be able to support yourself without the help of a man? Why is it mind boggling to not aspire to marriage?

As a Latina, it is hugely important for us to break these barriers. Machismo needs to go away in Latin/Hispanic culture. A woman should be applauded for wanting to make her own money and doing things on her own terms and not be shamed for wanting have as much casual sex as she likes, with whoever she likes.

So yes, I am a Feminist.

I want my nieces to grow up and think independently and want to build Lego structures and I want my nephews to defend their cousins when they're getting cat called on the street and admire a woman (if they're straight) without feeling like they have the right to tell her that her ass looks great and stare at her vulgarly.

I am a Feminist because I don't want to be guilt tripped into having sex with a boyfriend when I don't feel like it. I am a Feminist because I want to walk down the street and not feel obligated to say thank you to sleazy men. I am a Feminist because I want my mother to accept that it's okay that I don't have a boyfriend and that I don't need a boyfriend to provide for me and that I already am happy, a relationship isn't going to make me whole and help me achieve eternal happiness. I am a Feminist because I don't want to live in a society where leaking female celebrity nudes is acceptable and is glorified.

Most of all, I am a Feminist because I wholeheartedly believe that I can make myself happy, I can make myself whole, I can provide for myself, I can pay off my debts, I can do this all for myself without the help of a man and prosper.

Please tell me you want in on this too!

,
Elba

September 20, 2014

I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

Hi guys!


Sleep? What a strange concept.

Soooo incredibly busy! I have finally made some time to breathe and write a little something on here! School is going amazingly well. It's so busy and I hardly get any sleep but I'm learning and that's what matters!

Work...ugh. I'm looking to cut my hours in October. I've had my usual two days off but that isn't exactly working seeing as how I usually have weekdays off, so it's like not having a day off at all! I can't wait for October! 

I haven't had time to upload any favorites videos for August. I think I'll have time to do one this month and hopefully some hair tutorials, if I do everything the way I have planned. Honestly, I haven't even been wearing as much makeup as usual because I don't even have time to look presentable these days! Oh well. 


,
Elba

July 31, 2014

July 2014 Favorites!

Hi guys!

Quick update! I made a July favorites video and it's now live on YouTube! Yay!


Here's the link:



,
Elba


June 23, 2014

L'Oreal Excellence HiColor & Maintaining Blonde Hair



This isn't the first time I've written a post on how I made my dark hair blonde but this time there's a video about it! I've linked it down below! If you're interested you can also read my original post here: L'Oreal HiColor Hair Dye.


May 07, 2014

YouTube Videos and New Blog Layout! Yay!


HIIIII!

So, I haven't posted anything about it but I am now starting to post more videos on YouTube! I have my monthly favorites up for April and I also have a Get Ready With Me. I did film a new one today! Big haul! I'm just upset that I totally and completely forgot to put some of my new Mac products that I bought yesterday like a dud! -_-

Also! I have been trying to do my own blog layout for as long as I remember and unfortunately…I'm not where I need to be to get it! I know some HTML but not enough to take on what I want to do and UNTIL I learn how to do it, I decided to splurge on an Envye template from Wonder Forest! If you guys have absolutely no desire in making a layout then you should definitely look into a Wonder Forest blogger layout because they're super profresh and beautiful and SOOOOO easy to install! Take a look!

Here are my videos:




Enjoy!

,
Elba

April 06, 2014

Accepted!

Not so long ago, I restarted my collegiate career. On a whim, and thinking about my blog, I decided to go for graphic design. Three semesters in, I started the transfer process and boy, was that process lengthy and annoying. My first choice was to go to FIT and I began to prepare my portfolio for acceptance. I also applied to Purchase College and City Tech.

When I was at BCC, my professor believed that I would undoubtedly be accepted to Purchase. I was unsure about Purchase, there's a certain prestige to FIT, but my professor had such great things to say about Purchase that I really wanted to be accepted. I decided that if I was accepted I would decide then where I truly wanted to go. When the rejection letter from Purchase came I was shocked. I thought I had it in the bag! I remember I initially believed it was from FIT and my heart sunk and then I realized it was from Purchase and I was mildly relieved and yet still disappointed. One of my former classmates, who was also in the transfer process, let me know that she had heard from FIT and that she hadn't been accepted. I was devastated for her and I thought if she didn't get in then how could I? Especially with the rejection letter I had just received. I was also worried because I hadn't heard anything!

I started to doubt myself and my friends assured me that I would get in. I still hadn't heard anything but I was taking it as good sign. At one point, I dreamt that I got in and that was also reassuring but nothing is ever as reassuring as the actual letter. 

Today, while I was at work I got this picture from my sister (without all the bokeh effects of course):


I was so relieved and somehow not surprised. Suddenly not getting into Purchase was not so bad. Sure, going to FIT sets me back because I'm getting put back into an Associate program but I see it as a refresher course and who knows maybe I missed something. I'm happy I can continue on with my education. Things seems to be looking up!

I almost forgot about City Tech. I still haven't heard from them.


,
Elba

April 02, 2014

Random Stuff

Hi!

So it's been an entire two days since I turned 27! Woohoo? Yes, woohoo. It was an eventful weekend but the actual day of my birthday was very well spent with my friends and sisters, it was real fun.

So, the real reason I got on here was to write about how I'm trying to push myself with art. I haven't been designing much but I've been working a lot on my handwork a lot more. About a month ago I bought myself a One Sketch a Day Visual Journal and for the most part I've been drawing something everyday. I've noticed that I'm having trouble thinking of concepts on my own and so I look for inspiration on Instagram and there are so many wonderful artists. I do intend on working on my digital art because I'm way out of practice, the last time I made something was in January for my FIT portfolio. I'm still waiting to hear from them and I hope with all my heart that I got in.

Here's some stuff I drew:











I'm almost a month again and I'm glad that I've been keeping up with it. I'll most likely  post more things like this! 

Oh…I almost forgot! I also ordered some of these:


I hadn't actually heard about these pencils before but apparently they're pretty well know by artists and writers. A box of 12 is about $22-$23, so I went on Amazon and found a sampler pack and I can't wait to get it. For the most part, I use a mechanical pencil but I wanted to see what the fuss was about. A cool thing about this pencil is that the eraser is replaceable. I'll let you guys know what I think!

,
Elba

March 14, 2014

Inglot Bright and Matte Lipstick!

Hello!

Recently, Inglot came out with a new variety of matte lipstick colors. Inglot has had a line of matte colors since they launched their line in the states back in '08. I did a review a while back and if you want to read that, click here: Inglot Matte Lipsticks.

I really enjoy the matte lipsticks from Inglot because at the end of the day they're not nearly as drying as other brands. Though through testing these new shades out, I felt that the brighter colors are a bit more drying than the more "normal" colored ones. Two of these new colors are bright, the other three are on the darker side but there's nothing with that as they are all lovely shades.


These are all numbered, no names, which isn't all that bad to me, but there seems to be a consensus that this is annoying since everyone is use to makeup with names and not numbers but to each his own. If you already didn't know if you want a matte lipstick from Inglot, you will definitely have to hit the 400's, anything that is a lipstick and is a 400 number is matte. 

So here we are:



422: This is Inglot's 282 lipstick in a matte finish. It's a very lovely shade of purple. I have compared it to Melt's By Starlight. 422 is a shade lighter in comparison but when I apply it, it appears to me to be more purple than By Starlight on the lips (not the swatch). There has been some talk about Melt's lipsticks being a sham, due to swatch photos not showing their true colors, since they are usually paired with MAC lipliners. I myself, don't see this as a problem, since let's be honest, the average makeup junkie WILL mix their lipstick to get the shade they want, otherwise why would we have so many different products? If you're unhappy with your By Starlight, I definitely recommend this shade because it looks more purple on the lips.



423: I would say this shade is Inglot's version of Candy Yum Yum. I don't personally own Candy Yum Yum but I have seen it compared to Melt's Stupid Love and I have that so, I've swatched it along with Stupid Love and Barry M's 52 Lip Paint. You can see from my swatches above that 423 is more dull in comparison to both but when worn on the lips, they appear to be quite similar. I quite prefer Barry M and Melt over Inglot on this one. 


424: Is a bright orange shade. I don't have anything to compare it to but I do believe that Melt's Bang Bang looks similar to it. I also want to compare it to MAC's Lady Danger but when I found swatches online, I noticed that it's more of a red color with an orange undertone. 424 is more orange.



425: Is one of those colors your grandmother buys and you overlook but once you try it you realize grandma has a keen eye. This color is a dark pink/peach concoction. The closest shade I've got to swatch it with is Make Up For Ever's Rouge Artist Intense Mat 4 but that shade is more on the peach side and 425 is more on the pink side. 


426: This is a dark berry color with purple/burgundy undertones. This is probably the most unique shade that was launched with this new collection and I only say this because I don't have a die for it, or so I think. 

In all, these shades aren't anything out of this world and I'm only saying this because I found dupes for most of them. If you already have something similar to anything I mentioned above then I honestly don't believe you're missing out but if you don't have anything like anything I mentioned above, then these are great because they're only $12.00 each. The most drying ones are 422 and 423 but if you apply a lip balm 15 minutes before you apply the lipstick, they wear much longer and don't have that icky dry feeling.

,
Elba

February 15, 2014

Happy Valentine's Day…

Happy Valentine's Day to you all! A WHOLE DAY late!



I have been absolutely missing in action. 

I am planning on coming back around and writing and creating to my heart's content. What's funny though is that I felt anxious writing this post. I love my blog, I really do, but there are certain elements that I can't seem to get around. I'm not sure of it's because I'm getting older (ha) and I'm too dumb to comprehend but there seems to be a blockage, I can't quite get around. It's all technical of course but hopefully I'll be able to solve that! 

There are a lot of things I have been wanting to write about and create content on but haven't had the time. I finished my Associates back in December and then immediately went on vacation but the thing about vacation is that you don't actually get to rest. I came home and went back to work and finally got into the swing of things, well, for the most part. Anyway, suddenly it's the middle of February, I've finished up with Fashion Week, actually got to do a show at Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week, and I finished my last transfer application to get my BFA in Graphic Design. All that is in the works and now I have some free time! 

See ya soon!

,
Elba 
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