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July 25, 2013

My Love/Hate Relationship With Myself: Self Esteem

There are times when my self esteem is through the roof and I feel unstoppable and there are many more times when it's down in the gutter and I feel like I should hide. I'm really hard on myself and I'm sure a lot of you are as well so I figured I should write about it. There's always a constant struggle to make my appearance better and be happy about it but I feel like I can't do that if I'm constantly abhorring my appearance at the moment. I know when someone is trying to help by telling me, "Hey! you've gained weight," or "You should exercise more," or even the "You'd look hotter if you were toned," right after having sex but that always hurts more than it helps. 

I have never been skinny but that's normal for me because that's the way my body is built. Over the past few years I've put on more weight and it hasn't gone unnoticed. You know, I live with myself and I see myself in the mirror and yes, I can see that my legs are bigger, that my butt is rounder, and that my cellulite is more noticeable. Yes, I have cellulite, it's fucking normal, it's the way my body stores fat, I can't help that that's the way that it looks. Get over it. I see all these things everyday and the mirror is a constant reminder that I'm bigger and then having to be reminded by other people isn't fun.

You know it's really hard being a fat girl or a girl trying to lose weight and be fit. You go out with your skinny friends (or your more confident friends) and they eat whatever the fuck they want and sometimes you'll be good and get the salad and get the WTF looks but sometimes you'll eat some bad stuff to save face but also because you haven't let yourself eat it in so long because you're always harassing yourself about being fat or unfit. Then you get the WTF look again but this time it seems to say "damn, she should really be watching what she eats," or "no wonder she isn't losing weight." You just can't win and you know that they'll be talking about it later so it just makes you feel like overall shit.

I was on Instagram a couple of days ago and was upset because I was looking through someone's Instagram and there was this one follower trash talking the owner of the Instagram account because she posted a makeup look with fuller, ungroomed brows. The makeup was beautiful but this girl chose to trash talk about the eyebrow instead. The owner of the picture then commented several times to different people that the eye belonged to her younger sister who shouldn't have any business plucking her eyebrows anyway but still people kept commenting about the brows. 


The one follower kept on being a jerk and me being the nosy person that I am, went to check this follower's profile. It turned out the girl is beautiful. She had  a stunning figure, which is what she likes to flaunt on her Instagram, and then I went into a deep dark state of envy and I sat there self-loathing myself. I was thinking "I'm so ugly. Ugh! Why am I having so much trouble losing weight this time around?"  I was in the midst of all these negative nancy thoughts and I remembered why I went to the girl's Instagram in the first place, she had been trash talking a 13-year-old's eyebrow. There she was with a thousand likes on her pictures and yet she still felt the need to go and hate on someone's eyebrow...WHY?! Yeah her body's on fire but her personality sucks and that's what made her ugly.

That's when I realized that yes, I'm not as fit as I'd like to be and yes it's gonna take time to get there but at least I have a great personality that goes with my fat legs, bulging belly, and cellulite and that's what makes me beautiful (sang in 1 Direction style). That and my killer face!


I'm just kidding!

So when I'm feeling down in the dumps about my appearance or when I'm comparing myself to girls that are skinny and fit, I should remember that appearance is only part of me and not the entirety of me. Once you get past someone's appearance, who they are is what you have left and I'd rather beat myself up over being a jerk than being overweight. 


I leave you with this:



,
Elba
xoxo
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